Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy. Though one goes along weeping carrying the bag of seed, he will surely come back with shouts of joy, carrying his sheaves. Psalms 126:5-6
What a powerful promise that God gives us that grieve over our harvest that feels so lost. Where is the return on our investment? So much labor, love, sacrifice, and now pain. Where is the fruit to this. It is in the promise, there will be shouts of joy. What does the whole picture look like, I have no idea. All I know is God's promises are yes and amen, even when the harvest looks dead.
Marina is gone, she left as scheduled on Monday, July 14th. She left her summer vacation early and her adoption behind. She left with a smile on her face, a hug and kiss for Mama, and a hug and a kiss for Papa. Mama cried, Papa's eyes full of tears, and Marina with sparkles in her eyes and a sweet smile on her face. I don't get it, but I am sure that my parents didn't get me either. When I grew up, I didn't get myself when I was a teenager. I do have some theories, but who knows if I will ever find out if my hypothesis is correct. This may be one of those questions I have to put on my list of questions that can be answered on the other side of heaven. I just hope that instead of asking God the question, I will meet Marina there and I can ask her what happened. If that is the case we will be laughing hysterically, because Psalms 126 says so. I will accept the harvest on either side of heaven and be shouting with joy.
The one question most people ask is will we hear from her again? We never talked about it. We are leaving it up to her. She will have to write the first e-mail and we will respond. As long as she writes, we will respond. We have times that we want to know what happens to her and then times when we think it would be too painful. We will take whatever comes our way and use it for God's glory, because the bottom line is His glory. We left on good terms, she knows the depths of our love for her. Marina never missed being a part of our prayer time. When we got into the car to leave for the airport, at 5:00a.m., Marina was in the back seat with her pillow and a blanket over her head. I thought she was asleep. Rick and I prayed for the journey. As we started to pray I felt Marina's hand grab on to mine and her head lean against my shoulder. I am amazed at her desire to pray. I pray that she keeps on praying, even through the circumstances that will be ahead of her in the days to come. She knows that mama and papa will always pray for her.
The adoption process is started, the homestudy is underway. The direction has changed to Yana's brother, Koyla. Who ever dreamed the journey would include a 12 year old boy. I have come to know one thing is for sure, nothing in this journey is for sure. We are praying for God to open the doors for Yana and her brother to live together again, it is His picture. We have a frame that was given to us when we came home with Yana. It says "The Rahn Family". We never put a picture in there because we felt one person was missing. Marina will always be missing from the picture, but now I decided to wait to see if Koyla will complete the picture.
As much as I am in pain, I am fascinated by the story. There is a sense of mystery that gives me spark. All I know is in the end there is a promise of shouts for joy!
Fran
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Reflections of the Past
After a very difficult afternoon with Marina, and a translator, Marina is booked to return to Ukraine on July 14th. Pain always creates a season of reflections in me and I am reflecting. I see so much of me in Marina when I was 15 years old. At that time I didn't know God in a personal way. Having popular children like me was so important. I was easily steered into the wrong path just to be accepted. Most of all rejecting the people that loved me the most and wanted the best for me. When the family took a vacation I didn't want to go because I would miss what my friends were doing. The moment in time was the most precious moment, there was no future, it was all about now and all about me. I see all of that in Marina. Maybe that is why God put her on my heart. Maybe that is why he chose me to pour His love into my heart and I was to pour it out to her.
My mother had two sayings, that she said to me in my rebellious years. One was, "What goes around, comes around", and "You will get back what you dish out". Those two sayings have stuck in my head all these years, I can still picture my mother saying them. Since I never had biological children, I thought that I got off the hook. There are times when I would reflect about my mother and think, with a grin, I didn't have to pay that aweful price. On July 8th I got alittle taste of the horrible rejection that would come around some day. It came from a person I love and invested in to give a future to. Is she running from me, no she running from us, no, she is running back to what is familiar. Did she stop loving us, no, she continues to tell us how much she loves us. The window of opportunity closed to adopting Marina in January when we left her behind. Her frame of mind changed and her friends changed. She joined up with the children that could not be adopted and bad mouthed America and moving away from the Ukraine. She bought into the lies that life in Ukraine was better then life in America. It even goes one step beyond, family is restricting and is no fun. That is what life is all about to most 15 year olds, especially if they have spent 10 years in an orphanage.
The translator was an angel sent from above. She was 19 years old, beautiful and full of compassion. She was gentle with both sides. She was from the Ukraine and was studing in University out there. She seemed to be full of hope and focused on the future. She had lived in America at one time of her life and was hopeful that the door of opportunity would again open for her to come back and study here. After translating to Marina she asked me permission to speak with her about her experience. I granted permission, but since it was in Russian I had no idea what was said.
Later that afternoon I got a call from the person that this young lady was staying with. I found out her story. She was brought up in an orphanage, a social orphan. Her mother worked on a cruise ship and left her children to be cared for in an orphanage. She has a brother that is still in the orphanage. This young lady was brought over on a host program. She studied in America for 3 years, 6,7, and 8th grade. She wanted to return to Ukraine. The family that hosted her tried to talk her into staying, willing to pay for the private school education. They told her that life would be hard in Ukraine and opportunity limited. She could accomplish so much more in America and the family would help her. She even told Marina that the family wanted to adopt her and would go talk to her mother to ask permission. She said no and went back to the Ukraine. The family was right, she has had it very hard. She is extremely intellegent, she is the second top grade person in the university. She has to earn her own money while she is schooling. She is on her own, there is no family behind her. Her desire in life is to be in America where there is so much more opportunity. The young lady did bring something back from America at a young age and that was her personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It has been the focus of her life and the faith that moves her forward. There is a family that is trying to bring her back to America to study. A very difficult task for a young women that is 19 and has no family ties, an life long orphan.
In times of reflecting Rick has pointed out that he sees how disappointed God must feel in us when we turn from Him and follow our own path. When His will is not followed but we make things happen our own way. I know that if Marina calls out to the Father in Heaven He will be there for her. I am hoping that the time that Marina has spent with Rick and I will be the foundation for her to reach out to God when in need of a friend, a family, a comforter. Marina's life is going to get hard, I believe as soon as she gets back. I believe that she will go to a trade school immediately. The comfort and security of the orphanage will be gone. Her friend that she thinks is so important is staying at the orphanage. I highly doubt that she will be there for Marina when she gets home anyway. Her goal to block the adoption was accomplished, Marina is emotionally too immature for her liking. Her friends own hurt from a failed adoption will be the influence that Marina has choosen to follow. Ooh that hurts, even though God knows all this and He knew that this adoption would not happen.
We have 4 days to go before we bring Marina back to the airport. Our goal is for her to see Jesus more in us then ever before. To see Him with His arms stretched out wide with the love that He had for us that put nails into His hands. I remember asking my mother when I was in my late 30's why she put up with me when I was so rebellious. My parents had such unconditional love that revealed their faith as I grew older. My mother responded without a skip in the beat, "What, and give up my harvest?" I don't know that I will see my harvest on earth, but either did the major patriarchs in the bible. I pray that some day I will see my harvest in heaven and she will be dancing among the saints and we will be able to dance with her. The sadness will be gone and we can rejoice that we are a family.
Is the journey over? No, there is more to come. For now I will take time to heal. God is doing a great work in me and when it is over I hope that the sadness I feel will turn to be a "Glorious wounding" for the orphans that are all over this world that God cares about. I pray that the fire that was burning in me before the hurt will return to give my energy to help other orphans find the Christ that is their true hope.
Fran
My mother had two sayings, that she said to me in my rebellious years. One was, "What goes around, comes around", and "You will get back what you dish out". Those two sayings have stuck in my head all these years, I can still picture my mother saying them. Since I never had biological children, I thought that I got off the hook. There are times when I would reflect about my mother and think, with a grin, I didn't have to pay that aweful price. On July 8th I got alittle taste of the horrible rejection that would come around some day. It came from a person I love and invested in to give a future to. Is she running from me, no she running from us, no, she is running back to what is familiar. Did she stop loving us, no, she continues to tell us how much she loves us. The window of opportunity closed to adopting Marina in January when we left her behind. Her frame of mind changed and her friends changed. She joined up with the children that could not be adopted and bad mouthed America and moving away from the Ukraine. She bought into the lies that life in Ukraine was better then life in America. It even goes one step beyond, family is restricting and is no fun. That is what life is all about to most 15 year olds, especially if they have spent 10 years in an orphanage.
The translator was an angel sent from above. She was 19 years old, beautiful and full of compassion. She was gentle with both sides. She was from the Ukraine and was studing in University out there. She seemed to be full of hope and focused on the future. She had lived in America at one time of her life and was hopeful that the door of opportunity would again open for her to come back and study here. After translating to Marina she asked me permission to speak with her about her experience. I granted permission, but since it was in Russian I had no idea what was said.
Later that afternoon I got a call from the person that this young lady was staying with. I found out her story. She was brought up in an orphanage, a social orphan. Her mother worked on a cruise ship and left her children to be cared for in an orphanage. She has a brother that is still in the orphanage. This young lady was brought over on a host program. She studied in America for 3 years, 6,7, and 8th grade. She wanted to return to Ukraine. The family that hosted her tried to talk her into staying, willing to pay for the private school education. They told her that life would be hard in Ukraine and opportunity limited. She could accomplish so much more in America and the family would help her. She even told Marina that the family wanted to adopt her and would go talk to her mother to ask permission. She said no and went back to the Ukraine. The family was right, she has had it very hard. She is extremely intellegent, she is the second top grade person in the university. She has to earn her own money while she is schooling. She is on her own, there is no family behind her. Her desire in life is to be in America where there is so much more opportunity. The young lady did bring something back from America at a young age and that was her personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It has been the focus of her life and the faith that moves her forward. There is a family that is trying to bring her back to America to study. A very difficult task for a young women that is 19 and has no family ties, an life long orphan.
In times of reflecting Rick has pointed out that he sees how disappointed God must feel in us when we turn from Him and follow our own path. When His will is not followed but we make things happen our own way. I know that if Marina calls out to the Father in Heaven He will be there for her. I am hoping that the time that Marina has spent with Rick and I will be the foundation for her to reach out to God when in need of a friend, a family, a comforter. Marina's life is going to get hard, I believe as soon as she gets back. I believe that she will go to a trade school immediately. The comfort and security of the orphanage will be gone. Her friend that she thinks is so important is staying at the orphanage. I highly doubt that she will be there for Marina when she gets home anyway. Her goal to block the adoption was accomplished, Marina is emotionally too immature for her liking. Her friends own hurt from a failed adoption will be the influence that Marina has choosen to follow. Ooh that hurts, even though God knows all this and He knew that this adoption would not happen.
We have 4 days to go before we bring Marina back to the airport. Our goal is for her to see Jesus more in us then ever before. To see Him with His arms stretched out wide with the love that He had for us that put nails into His hands. I remember asking my mother when I was in my late 30's why she put up with me when I was so rebellious. My parents had such unconditional love that revealed their faith as I grew older. My mother responded without a skip in the beat, "What, and give up my harvest?" I don't know that I will see my harvest on earth, but either did the major patriarchs in the bible. I pray that some day I will see my harvest in heaven and she will be dancing among the saints and we will be able to dance with her. The sadness will be gone and we can rejoice that we are a family.
Is the journey over? No, there is more to come. For now I will take time to heal. God is doing a great work in me and when it is over I hope that the sadness I feel will turn to be a "Glorious wounding" for the orphans that are all over this world that God cares about. I pray that the fire that was burning in me before the hurt will return to give my energy to help other orphans find the Christ that is their true hope.
Fran
Monday, July 7, 2008
Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus
The same rollercoaster ride, just a new turn and a fast twist, and at times your upside down. That sounds like the "Griffin" at Busch Gardens, but it is not, it is the adoption (or not adoption) of Marina or is it Maryna? It sounds like turmoil, confusion, upset, and defeat. It is not, it is peace, comfort, submission, and faith. Is life a path without curves? Either is this journey that I agreed to take. Can the curves throw you off balance? Yes, if they are taken too fast, or if your eyes are not fixed on the right place.
We are on our 21st day with Maryna (or is it Mara). It started out with turbulance which we attributed to insecurity, jetlag, confusion, language barriers, etc. The guardian and friend returned to Berdyansk and after a brief dip in mood, a swing that started the assent uphill. That is when we took a car trip to Jamestown New York to see my family. A planned time of celebrations. Chris is graduating from High School, Ethan is getting baptised, Teresa got engaged, and Rick and Fran have their 2 girls! Unfortunately, Gina and Rob are left behind in California because their baby is due any time and she can't fly (we still celebrated our new addition to come). The trip to Jamestown took 10 hours, we stopped a lot, ate a lot, laughed, watched DVDs, listen to music, slept, talked, and finally arrived safe and sound on Thursday afternoon on June 27th. Lots of people, lots of confusion for a young girl that doesn't speak the language. We start to see mood changes. Is it hormones, age, confusion, insecurity, or the boyfriend back in Berdyansk? Yes it is.....all of them. The weekend has lots of fun; swimming, motorcycle ride, horseback ride, games, graduation party, and dance. Alittle taste of everything in a short period of time. Then the rain cames over Jamestown and the Rahn family. The weather keeps us inside, and the confusion level increases. I see Marina going down hill. By Saturday evening we recognize we have a real problem. Marina has turned on her defense mode and she is going to be as mean and ugly to Mama and Papa as she can be. She is going to go back to what is familiar, to her orphanage, to her boyfriend, to what she knows and her way of doing this is going to be by making Mama and Papa hate her and send her home. We make it through Sunday (barely) and Monday morning we are on our way home. The first half of the trip is aweful. She won't even talk to Yana. Nothing was pulling her out of it. What a long trip this is going to be with an iceberg in our back seat. Rick and I traded off with Yana so that she could enjoy the view of the front seat, instead of the storm in the back seat. I asked Marina to relax. Nothing could be done until we got home, as far as sending her home, so just enjoy the trip. She did and the "Son" entered the back seat. We were all grateful for the break.
We get home, there is no move on making plans for her to leave and she feels out of control--the storm returns. There is no acting out, just crying, isolation, ignoring Mama and Papa, anything that would make us turn away from her.
Where is Yana in all this? She is an angel sent from above. Yana was a shinning light. She felt sorry for Mama and Papa, so she gave us extra love and still is. She realized the fullness of having family. She is grateful for all she has and is ready to move forward and not backwards. Praise God that such good can come out of this. We know that Yana needs a break from this. She has been in the middle of this for 5 days, 24-7. She asks to have her friend over that is also from Berdyansk. The 2 girls are best friends and haven't seen each other in 10 days. Mama takes Yana, Ella, and Marina to Busch Gardens. Ella sees what is going on and she also feels bad for me so she tries to help Marina open her eyes to what she is doing. The 2 girls are given an assignment, help Marina have fun. They accomplished their goal and we return home. Marina is still on a mission to make Mama and Papa miserable. By now I know that Marina has two dates that she can return to Berdyansk, July 14th or August 28th. That is the only time that a guardian will be traveling and since the guardian that I paid for, so that Marina could come, went home, that is just how it has to be. Wednesday evening the girls have had it with her behavior toward us. They see the disrespect, the lack of caring about the sacrifices that we made, the hurt that she has caused us and the pain of the whole situation. The girls are more taken back by it then we were. I hear arguing in the bedroom, the two girls leave the room and Marina is left to cry herself to sleep. I go in and sit with her, and pray for her, leaving her to deal with her emotions and her God. Thursday morning, we plan to go to the Ukrainian market, and swimming, topping the evening off with a trip to Busch Gardens for fireworks. The iceberg is thicker then ever as I serve breakfast to the girls. I wrote Marina a letter that gave her the two days that she could fly home. I also told her that our love for her was not like a love that is person to person. Our love was from God that flowed through us and out to her. Therefore it doesn't change because of behavior, it is unconditional. Since she couldn't change it could she please just enjoy herself while she was here with us and let us enjoy her. We also communicated that we have done everything she has asked for, so if she is mad at anyone she is mad at herself for asking.
Off to the Ukrainian market, the "Son" started to appear. By evening the "Son" was shinning bright. Mama and Papa were allowed to have the love that God has put in her heart for us. I must say that Rick and I could hardly keep our eyes open that night. This emotional stuff is exhausting. Things have been better for the last couple of days. We have no idea what the next few days will hold. She is telling people that she is going back on July 14th. As of right now, we are not moving forward on the adoption. We are seeking God's wisdom. She seems to really be enjoying her freedom to love and be a part of the family. We have had a few minor mood swings, nothing abnormal for a 15 year old girl. None of this behavior is abnormal for children that do get adopted and know that life has changed. The only difference is that Marina goes back and her life does not have to change.
We have been fact collecting about Marina in Berdyansk. She did graduate from the nineth grade. She is not a great student, so the director can send her off to trade school. The director told us that she would keep her until the adoption. Since Marina is talking about going back, it is looking like she will be sent off to trade school. This will be a life changing situation for her. That is the heartbreak for Mama and Papa. She is choosing a path that is full of sorrow. I fear that another name change is going to happen. This time it is a name from the book of Esther in the Bible, Mara, it means bitter. Marina's life will become bitter over time.
We are praying for God to intervene in all this. In the depth of her dispair with us, she has never stopped being a part of the family prayer time. Even when she wouldn't speak to us she wanted to pray with us. She knows the light, she has seen it and she knows the darkness, she has felt it.
We do believe in God, the Father Almighty, and know that He is in control, even if Marina goes back to what she thinks is home.
Fran
We are on our 21st day with Maryna (or is it Mara). It started out with turbulance which we attributed to insecurity, jetlag, confusion, language barriers, etc. The guardian and friend returned to Berdyansk and after a brief dip in mood, a swing that started the assent uphill. That is when we took a car trip to Jamestown New York to see my family. A planned time of celebrations. Chris is graduating from High School, Ethan is getting baptised, Teresa got engaged, and Rick and Fran have their 2 girls! Unfortunately, Gina and Rob are left behind in California because their baby is due any time and she can't fly (we still celebrated our new addition to come). The trip to Jamestown took 10 hours, we stopped a lot, ate a lot, laughed, watched DVDs, listen to music, slept, talked, and finally arrived safe and sound on Thursday afternoon on June 27th. Lots of people, lots of confusion for a young girl that doesn't speak the language. We start to see mood changes. Is it hormones, age, confusion, insecurity, or the boyfriend back in Berdyansk? Yes it is.....all of them. The weekend has lots of fun; swimming, motorcycle ride, horseback ride, games, graduation party, and dance. Alittle taste of everything in a short period of time. Then the rain cames over Jamestown and the Rahn family. The weather keeps us inside, and the confusion level increases. I see Marina going down hill. By Saturday evening we recognize we have a real problem. Marina has turned on her defense mode and she is going to be as mean and ugly to Mama and Papa as she can be. She is going to go back to what is familiar, to her orphanage, to her boyfriend, to what she knows and her way of doing this is going to be by making Mama and Papa hate her and send her home. We make it through Sunday (barely) and Monday morning we are on our way home. The first half of the trip is aweful. She won't even talk to Yana. Nothing was pulling her out of it. What a long trip this is going to be with an iceberg in our back seat. Rick and I traded off with Yana so that she could enjoy the view of the front seat, instead of the storm in the back seat. I asked Marina to relax. Nothing could be done until we got home, as far as sending her home, so just enjoy the trip. She did and the "Son" entered the back seat. We were all grateful for the break.
We get home, there is no move on making plans for her to leave and she feels out of control--the storm returns. There is no acting out, just crying, isolation, ignoring Mama and Papa, anything that would make us turn away from her.
Where is Yana in all this? She is an angel sent from above. Yana was a shinning light. She felt sorry for Mama and Papa, so she gave us extra love and still is. She realized the fullness of having family. She is grateful for all she has and is ready to move forward and not backwards. Praise God that such good can come out of this. We know that Yana needs a break from this. She has been in the middle of this for 5 days, 24-7. She asks to have her friend over that is also from Berdyansk. The 2 girls are best friends and haven't seen each other in 10 days. Mama takes Yana, Ella, and Marina to Busch Gardens. Ella sees what is going on and she also feels bad for me so she tries to help Marina open her eyes to what she is doing. The 2 girls are given an assignment, help Marina have fun. They accomplished their goal and we return home. Marina is still on a mission to make Mama and Papa miserable. By now I know that Marina has two dates that she can return to Berdyansk, July 14th or August 28th. That is the only time that a guardian will be traveling and since the guardian that I paid for, so that Marina could come, went home, that is just how it has to be. Wednesday evening the girls have had it with her behavior toward us. They see the disrespect, the lack of caring about the sacrifices that we made, the hurt that she has caused us and the pain of the whole situation. The girls are more taken back by it then we were. I hear arguing in the bedroom, the two girls leave the room and Marina is left to cry herself to sleep. I go in and sit with her, and pray for her, leaving her to deal with her emotions and her God. Thursday morning, we plan to go to the Ukrainian market, and swimming, topping the evening off with a trip to Busch Gardens for fireworks. The iceberg is thicker then ever as I serve breakfast to the girls. I wrote Marina a letter that gave her the two days that she could fly home. I also told her that our love for her was not like a love that is person to person. Our love was from God that flowed through us and out to her. Therefore it doesn't change because of behavior, it is unconditional. Since she couldn't change it could she please just enjoy herself while she was here with us and let us enjoy her. We also communicated that we have done everything she has asked for, so if she is mad at anyone she is mad at herself for asking.
Off to the Ukrainian market, the "Son" started to appear. By evening the "Son" was shinning bright. Mama and Papa were allowed to have the love that God has put in her heart for us. I must say that Rick and I could hardly keep our eyes open that night. This emotional stuff is exhausting. Things have been better for the last couple of days. We have no idea what the next few days will hold. She is telling people that she is going back on July 14th. As of right now, we are not moving forward on the adoption. We are seeking God's wisdom. She seems to really be enjoying her freedom to love and be a part of the family. We have had a few minor mood swings, nothing abnormal for a 15 year old girl. None of this behavior is abnormal for children that do get adopted and know that life has changed. The only difference is that Marina goes back and her life does not have to change.
We have been fact collecting about Marina in Berdyansk. She did graduate from the nineth grade. She is not a great student, so the director can send her off to trade school. The director told us that she would keep her until the adoption. Since Marina is talking about going back, it is looking like she will be sent off to trade school. This will be a life changing situation for her. That is the heartbreak for Mama and Papa. She is choosing a path that is full of sorrow. I fear that another name change is going to happen. This time it is a name from the book of Esther in the Bible, Mara, it means bitter. Marina's life will become bitter over time.
We are praying for God to intervene in all this. In the depth of her dispair with us, she has never stopped being a part of the family prayer time. Even when she wouldn't speak to us she wanted to pray with us. She knows the light, she has seen it and she knows the darkness, she has felt it.
We do believe in God, the Father Almighty, and know that He is in control, even if Marina goes back to what she thinks is home.
Fran
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