Quiet and Trust is My Strength

Quiet--I have been. It has given me strength and trust in the Lord. I have needed some time to renew my strength. I read some books that helped me put all of my journey into perspective and my relationship with the Lord into perspective. I am not ashamed to say that I was defeated, angry, and hurt by all that has happened. There are many times I have raised my voice in anger to God and told Him, "If He had done things my way..." I know, I am no different then the Isrealites in the old testament whinning and complaining. I was disappointed in God for making the adoption so hard. I have listed all the reasons that things should have gone my way: our finances, my age, for Yana to have a sister, etc. etc. etc. Then I read the book that is so appropriately named, "Disappointment with God". That book has been in my home for the longest time. It moved from New York State to our apartment in Virginia, 13 years ago. Then it moved to our first home in Virginia, and then it moved to our home that we live in now. The book never interested me before, so I have never read it. It came free one time with the order I had made from a Christian Book Club. It is so out of my character to keep books, or for that matter anything that hasn't been read or used. I am the ultimate de-clutter person. I don't like stuff, I like space. The book was perfect for the message that God would have for me. It is the same message that is in the book of Job. When I stepped aside and viewed God apart from my hurt, I got the message! God is God, He made the universe, do I have any of these abilities? Am I God? I thank God that I am not God, the position is way over my head. I don't even want to be president over one country, that alone reign over All the universe and everything in it. Wow, what a task! With this type of thinking, God is returning laughter, joy, hope and pleasure, back into my life. I can't say that laughter comes as often as I would like it to, but at least my laugh muscles are starting to work again and the laugh lines are starting to appear on my face again. I have even had to get the "Fine Line Creams" out and use them again on crows feet that surround my eyes. That is a good sign.

Yana is doing great. Her English is improving rapidly, even though she points to her head and says it hurts from all that she is learning. She is a joy to have in our lives. She has been able to share some of her past with us, which has brought us closer together. Life in the orphanage was good for Yana, a save place to be. She is missing her friends, especially her friend Inna. She tells me often that she loves Inna. When I hear the stories about Inna I understand why she loves Inna so much, Inna cared about her alot. When she first came to the orphanage Yana would walk and stand with her shoulders rounded forward, her self-image was low. Inna would make her stand up straight and poke her finger into her back and tell her to stand tall. Yana would stand up against the wall for 15 minutes everyday, because Inna watched her and made her do it until she stood tall. Thank you Lord for Inna, that helped to make Yana the young, beautiful lady that she is today. I know from the stories I have heard that Inna is one of Yana's angels. My heart breaks for Inna and her sister Natasha, they have no chance of adoption. How sad is that. Both the girls are fun, loving, caring people. They would make great daughters.

We are allowing ourselves to get excited about Marina coming to visit this summer. It is looking more positive every day. I am still guarding my heart from disappointment. I am fearful that something will stop her. I just got word that the paperwork is done, that was enough to break down some of my defensive walls and allow a little excitement to enter into my life. I also get anxious, I still have fears of the future, the "what if"... When my mind goes to the what if thoughts, I run to scriptures. Everyday I read Psalms 32:7, Eph.3:16, Ps.68:19, Is.50:10, Ps.40:11 and Jeremiah 29:11--I know the plans I have for Marina...plans to prosper her and not to harm her, plans to give her hope and a future.

One new little twist in our journey. Before we left Berdyansk, Yana asked to visit her grandfather and brother. That was news to us that there was a brother in her life. There is no mention of the brother anywhere in her records. He is 11 years old, soon to be 12. She was brought up with this brother. She carried her brother away from harm many times and even took a beating for her brother so that he would stop being beat. Yana knows that her sister is safe and has a good family. Her brother was not so lucky. We stopped by the grandfather's house so that she could see her brother. They have not seen each other in 5 years. Her brother was not there, he hadn't come home from the night before. Her grandfather said he was going to put him in an orphanage, that he was too old to handle him. This past week Yana got an e-mail from Inna that her brother is in Berdyansk orphanage. We called Marina and Yana was able to talk to her brother. He is sad that Yana is gone. Many emotions are flooding Yana. She has the biggest heart for her brother. They went through a lot together before they were seperated.
What a burden she is carrying. The orphanage for Yana gave her a chance to be a child, for that I am grateful. We have new prayers at night with Yana, now they include Kola's present and future. The good news is the same orphanage that gave her back her childhood, now has a chance to give Kola, her brother, a chance to have more childhood also. We are praying that Kola is willing to receive it.