An Oath to America!

Friday, May 9, 2008, Yana is sworn in as an American citizen. She makes a pledge to honor her country, stand by her country, and even bear arms for her country. No, she doesn't know what that all means, but I did and I was brought to tears by the pledge that this young Ukrainian girl had to make standing in front of the American flag, with her right hand up. As she is repeating the words of the oath, I am checking myself, am I worthy of this oath? Would I repeat these words in this oath? She pledged to give up allegence to any foreign country and defend only America. She looked like a little girl standing there repeating such important words. When she got out she told Rick her tongue hurt from repeating such big words. She did an excellent job, we are very proud of her.

I wanted Yana to know that this day was special to her, even if she didn't understand all of it. I wanted her to know that we were proud of her. We celebrated with a party and my family sent her cards in honor of her special day. She knows that it is special and she is proud of it, but she doesn't understand the importance of citizenship. In time, I believe she will. Wouldn't it be awesome if she could explain to Marina the importance of that day, when it comes around for Marina?

The event itself does not offer itself to be a memorable occassion. We had to go to Norfolk, in the pouring rain, find the tiny office in an off beat street, and then leave our camera in the car because of security. We go into a room with a table at the back wall, with a few chairs facing the front wall and the American Flag. Yana signs her name in several places and then goes to the front of the room. In front of the flag, she repeats the words that the man who is standing infront of her asks her to repeat. The man is very friendly, patient, and dressed very casual for the occassion. Rick and I sit in the front row, like the proud parents that we are, and witness Yana repeating her oath to America. Yana is given a tiny flag for her efforts and we march out of the room.

I need to get a copy of the oath, it is worth reading every once in a while. It gave me a reality check of what it means to have the honor to live in a free country. The price that many have to pay for our freedom and the responsibility of having that freedom. Rick and I walked out of there grateful for America, and for our freedom to be able to walk out with our daughter that we were so freely allowed to adopt and bring home to our country. America has opened her arms to my daughter, and for that I am so grateful.

I think I should have the job of swearing people in as citizens to America. I would get all dressed up, serve cake, clap and shout, take pictures, and then send them out of the building playing the National Anthem. Now that is a day worth remembering.

God Bless America!!!

Quiet and Trust is My Strength

Quiet--I have been. It has given me strength and trust in the Lord. I have needed some time to renew my strength. I read some books that helped me put all of my journey into perspective and my relationship with the Lord into perspective. I am not ashamed to say that I was defeated, angry, and hurt by all that has happened. There are many times I have raised my voice in anger to God and told Him, "If He had done things my way..." I know, I am no different then the Isrealites in the old testament whinning and complaining. I was disappointed in God for making the adoption so hard. I have listed all the reasons that things should have gone my way: our finances, my age, for Yana to have a sister, etc. etc. etc. Then I read the book that is so appropriately named, "Disappointment with God". That book has been in my home for the longest time. It moved from New York State to our apartment in Virginia, 13 years ago. Then it moved to our first home in Virginia, and then it moved to our home that we live in now. The book never interested me before, so I have never read it. It came free one time with the order I had made from a Christian Book Club. It is so out of my character to keep books, or for that matter anything that hasn't been read or used. I am the ultimate de-clutter person. I don't like stuff, I like space. The book was perfect for the message that God would have for me. It is the same message that is in the book of Job. When I stepped aside and viewed God apart from my hurt, I got the message! God is God, He made the universe, do I have any of these abilities? Am I God? I thank God that I am not God, the position is way over my head. I don't even want to be president over one country, that alone reign over All the universe and everything in it. Wow, what a task! With this type of thinking, God is returning laughter, joy, hope and pleasure, back into my life. I can't say that laughter comes as often as I would like it to, but at least my laugh muscles are starting to work again and the laugh lines are starting to appear on my face again. I have even had to get the "Fine Line Creams" out and use them again on crows feet that surround my eyes. That is a good sign.

Yana is doing great. Her English is improving rapidly, even though she points to her head and says it hurts from all that she is learning. She is a joy to have in our lives. She has been able to share some of her past with us, which has brought us closer together. Life in the orphanage was good for Yana, a save place to be. She is missing her friends, especially her friend Inna. She tells me often that she loves Inna. When I hear the stories about Inna I understand why she loves Inna so much, Inna cared about her alot. When she first came to the orphanage Yana would walk and stand with her shoulders rounded forward, her self-image was low. Inna would make her stand up straight and poke her finger into her back and tell her to stand tall. Yana would stand up against the wall for 15 minutes everyday, because Inna watched her and made her do it until she stood tall. Thank you Lord for Inna, that helped to make Yana the young, beautiful lady that she is today. I know from the stories I have heard that Inna is one of Yana's angels. My heart breaks for Inna and her sister Natasha, they have no chance of adoption. How sad is that. Both the girls are fun, loving, caring people. They would make great daughters.

We are allowing ourselves to get excited about Marina coming to visit this summer. It is looking more positive every day. I am still guarding my heart from disappointment. I am fearful that something will stop her. I just got word that the paperwork is done, that was enough to break down some of my defensive walls and allow a little excitement to enter into my life. I also get anxious, I still have fears of the future, the "what if"... When my mind goes to the what if thoughts, I run to scriptures. Everyday I read Psalms 32:7, Eph.3:16, Ps.68:19, Is.50:10, Ps.40:11 and Jeremiah 29:11--I know the plans I have for Marina...plans to prosper her and not to harm her, plans to give her hope and a future.

One new little twist in our journey. Before we left Berdyansk, Yana asked to visit her grandfather and brother. That was news to us that there was a brother in her life. There is no mention of the brother anywhere in her records. He is 11 years old, soon to be 12. She was brought up with this brother. She carried her brother away from harm many times and even took a beating for her brother so that he would stop being beat. Yana knows that her sister is safe and has a good family. Her brother was not so lucky. We stopped by the grandfather's house so that she could see her brother. They have not seen each other in 5 years. Her brother was not there, he hadn't come home from the night before. Her grandfather said he was going to put him in an orphanage, that he was too old to handle him. This past week Yana got an e-mail from Inna that her brother is in Berdyansk orphanage. We called Marina and Yana was able to talk to her brother. He is sad that Yana is gone. Many emotions are flooding Yana. She has the biggest heart for her brother. They went through a lot together before they were seperated.
What a burden she is carrying. The orphanage for Yana gave her a chance to be a child, for that I am grateful. We have new prayers at night with Yana, now they include Kola's present and future. The good news is the same orphanage that gave her back her childhood, now has a chance to give Kola, her brother, a chance to have more childhood also. We are praying that Kola is willing to receive it.

Easter is Real

I am having a great Easter experience in my beyond mid-life. I laid my burdens on the cross thanks to scripture, prayers of family, friends, and believers I have never met, but I know their heart. The results rest and trust which equals strength, according to Isaiah 30:15. God's promises are yes and amen and I can say amen to the peace that I have receive. Easter was such a joyful celebration for our family. Yana has been in America for 2 full months and is blossoming along with the spring. She is such a happy child, really loves her life. She and Papa really became buddies while mama was back in the Ukraine. I think Yana has papa wrapped around her finger. She can get him to do most anything, even ride the rollercoaster at Busch Gardens so many times that he turns green. Poor Rick ended up Easter Sunday night in bed spinning. It had no effect on Yana at all, she could have kept on going.

Both Rick and I found ourselves rejoicing over our adoption of Yana. We told Yana that God is able to change hearts and He changed our last year and put her on our heart. What a change in life we have taken. In February of 2007, when I met Marina, I thought I knew the course that God was moving us into. I thought I was filling out paper work to adopt Marina. The river of life flows and the unexpected turns are there to keep me close to God. On Easter Sunday, again I thought that I knew the way the river was flowing, the next time that I would see Marina would be next February. Monday...a turn. We received an e-mail from Frontier Horizons. The director of the Berdyansk Orphanage has approved Marina's visit for the summer!!!!!!!!!!
How cool is that? When there was nothing more that I could do, that is when God could do His work and He did it in deed.

God has alot of work to do in all 4 of us this summer. I am so appreciative that we can join hands and walk with Him together. We will be blending as a family, preparing for a future together. We will be nurturing and encouraging two young girls to trust in the Lord with all our hearts. We will be preparing for an adoption, doing a homestudy, and getting the dossiers ready for February. We will have to maintain courage and not let fear, doubt, and anxiety, try to steal the victory of the moment.

When I look at the whole picture, I am overwhelmed. Marina will come, then she will go. We will be returning to the Ukraine for another adoption, and that will take another 5 weeks of living in the Ukraine. I have to admit that I have told God that the river that I mapped out didn't have so many turns and much less rough water. It was safe and financially more realistic. It was an overwhelming picture, especially when we decided to adopt Yana along with Marina, but it wasn't anywhere near the size of His ocean that He has placed in front of me. It is bigger then life to me. I can see God up in Heaven smiling and nodding His head. He is looking down on me saying, "That's right Fran, if I was going to have control, I had to create an ocean, one that was too big for you to see the whole thing." That's where faith comes from, when the circumstances are so big that I look so small. It is not up to me to know what God has in store for this journey. The miracle that I have been asking for could be right around the corner. All I know is that God is holding my hand and we are walking in harmony, because I surrendered to His ocean and found my river was filled with currents that couldn't be seen from above the water, but almost took my life when I was in the water. I am blessed to have such a personal walk with my Lord and Savor. I have always wanted to see God. I do, I see Him.
Fran

He Has Risen

It is Easter, He has Risen, and we no longer need to live under the circumstances, we can rise above them. Nothing much has changed, mountain tops one day and valley experiences the next. The mountains are not so high and the valley experiences are not so deep. I am finding peace in the prayers, the cards, and most of all God's Word. It is comforting to know that God loves Marina more then I do and that He cares for her more then I do. That is the burden that Jesus took to the cross. The experience of death on the cross was painful, so were the burdens that went on the cross with Him. I have given Marina's adoption and freedom to Christ many times and taken it back as many. I have worried myself to the point of total fatique, then recharged myself by lifting the burden off of me and back on to His shoulders, where it belongs. I am just another Isrealite that just can't accept a good thing. When I read about them in the Bible I think to myself, those fools, why can't they accept a good thing. I know that I am also a fool, I have the good thing, yet I deny it and the burden becomes so heavy. In the Bible a fool is one that doesn't know the things of God, one who denies them. I guess it is easier to be a fool then I thought, I never thought that I would deny the truth that Jesus cares for Marina more then me.
Today, I am no fool. I have given Him the burden and feel His joy and peace in me. Today I feel like I am one personality, Fran, under Christ. Today, I am enjoying Yana and the joy continues even as she sleeps. I am not running to the bathroom or hiding in my bed crying, I am rejoicing. I thought Easter was going to be painful, it is not, it is the celebration that Christ so deserves to have.

Yesterday, Good Friday, Rick, Yana, and I went to service at the Chapel. A quiet, sobber service. A reminder of the night that Jesus took our sins to the cross, and felt the pain of our sins. Yana sat between Rick and myself, watching, listening, and I am sure wondering, what is this all about. We left the church holding each other, heads high, and smiling. We were suppose to be somber and quiet. We honored the quiet, but the somber was a tough one. We are happy and it was hard to hid. I told Yana that I am thankful that God put a love in our heart for her, even before we met her. That is how God works, the love comes before and it just keeps growing.

Praise God, for He alone is worthy to be praised. Happy Easter!
Fran

An Aha Moment

Marina, sweet, beautiful and loving. God has really embedded her in our hearts. The devil is working overtime to keep us apart. While I was out in the Ukraine, I had two recurring thoughts. I once had a conversation with someone that said she did not want the Holy Spirit in her life because she was scared of what He would ask her to do. What if He asked her to quit her job and be a missionary in Africa. The other thought was a phrase I have heard the pastor at the church that I attend say. Life is an adventure when you follow God. The definition of adventure changes as we get older. The two thoughts together became my aha moment. I am in a place in my life that I really don't want to be, but God does. It is an adventure, but it is so painful. When this adventure started I was in Berdyansk on a fact finding mission trip one year ago. I called Rick and said that I had fallen in love with a young girl, Marina. I would either have to move to the Ukraine or she would have to be adopted by us. Little did I know that moving to the Ukraine was the easier path to walk. The path has so many hills and always followed by a valley. Yana's adoption was just a level path. Every door that has opened has closed again. The good news is that time is passing and soon we will be adopting Marina.

We had another door open. I learned about it when I was in Ukraine. An organization that host children from Ukraine. All I have to do is ask the organization to invite Marina for 3 weeks. and she can come to visit us during the summer. That is an okay plan. At least she would see her home, meet her dog, sleep in her bed. and know that this is here for her. I came home and called Frontier Horizon to find out the facts and we were elated when they told us that since we have a relationship with Marina, she can stay the whole summer, 9 weeks. I know the good bye at the end of 9 weeks would be hard, but it would put us closer to her adoption date. The organization has their representative in Ukraine contact the director and her answer is; she can only come for the summer if there is a guardian with her. In other words we would have to have a teacher here with her. She can come for 3 weeks, but she was worried that we would keep her. Our decision, bring on the teacher! The organization is contacting the director of our decision so we will see if there is sincerity there or not. Pray that there is please.

This morning in my prayer time, I felt stress and darkness. I really struggled with it and asked God why I saw Him so clear in my life and just could not see the same in Marina's. I have been praying scripture and injecting Marina's name into it. This morning the scripture that jumped out at me was Jeremiah 29:11
I know the plans that I have for Marina, declares the Lord, plans to prosper her and not to harm her, plans to give her hope and a future.
Hebrews 13:5
God has said, Never will I leave Marina, never will I forsake her.

The promises that God has Marina in his hands and He is only giving me a piece of the love that He has for her, that is where my peace comes from. I do pray that He will allow us her presence for the summer. Oh this journey has it moments when I ask God, if this adventure has to have so many painful moments, can't it just have a happy ending now. I will wait upon the Lord, He knows and that's the best mountain top experience anyone can have, to recognize that God is in control and I am just a small servant in His great plan.
Fran

On My Way Home

Here I am at the airport in Kyiv, with a 6 hour wait for my flight.  I got off the train at 6:00 a.m., then off to the airport, with no where to go until 12:55 p.m.  I have breakfast--as a passtime--and see the computers.  It is a great time to review my thoughts.  I haven't thought too much about what I have missed until now.  I am headed back to the land of plenty.  What did I miss the most;
my husband, my lovely daughter, Yana, my good dog, Ginny, and my pillow.  I also miss my family and friends, but they have all been there for me throughout this journey.  I have gotten to know them in a deeper, more intimate way.  

On Friday, the doors to the student visa possibility closed.  Not the director's fault.  She just lives in the land of "Law", where everything has official papers, stamps, documents, ink, etc.  There was nothing officially written on Student Visa.  There is nothing illegal about an orphan going on a student visa, there is nothing legal either.  The bottom line... nothing.  The biggest disappointment was the U.S. embassy, they were not prepared to help out, even though they said it was the way to go.  They were giving me Ukrainian mindset answers, not American.  There is a fact in Ukraine, the orphan children are Ukrainian citizens and have all the rights of a citizen.  There is a fiction in the Ukraine, the orphan children have the same rights as other citizens of the Ukraine.  There is nothing legal in an orphan getting a student visa, there is nothing illegal for an orphan child to get a student visa.  My head is spinning with Ukrainian Law.  Where do I go from here, I know where to go, home to America and pray.  I am dealing with a child's life, no guareentees, hopes that I will adopt her with out obsticales in February 2009.  I could take her case to the judge and let them decide if her 1999 registration should be honored.  The chances are they won't honor it and the people that made mistakes would get punished.  I am not here to punish, I am here for grace and mercy.  Besides that the punishment would fall on the director who made a mistake.  I make mistakes everyday, I don't want to punish.  Besides, the sweet, loving director reminded me that Marina is completing the 9th grade and could go to a dirty, tradeschool and live in a run down dormitory!  Power is powerful.  

I take Marina back to Hotel Berdyansk for our last night together for ? long.  We do not say a word during the taxi ride, we don't say more then 5 sentences the whole evening.  She is in a shell and I have nothing to help her get out.  We watch 3 hours of Animal Planet and cuddle up to each other on the bed.  At 9:00 p.m. I look over and she is sound to sleep.  I pray and watch her for most of the night.  She has a pretty face.  During the night she takes my hand and puts it on her cheek and holds it there the remainder of the night.  How can I help but love this girl.  In the morning I am taking her back to the orphanage at 10:00 a.m., she has a friend coming from another town that she has known since she was a child.  I am thankful for the distraction.  In the morning we have a talk.  I told her I was disappointed, but not defeated.  I know that by this time next year, 11 months from now, she will be an American citizen.  She will have more opportunity then she could understand.  She will be a part of our lives forever.  We will see her before the 11 months is up.  Then I bought her a cell phone, so that we could call her easily.  We were having difficulty calling her.  The phone is my phone, she is using it for 11 months.  We have already talked several times.  We were walking down the streets of Berdyansk talking to each other on the phone.  

I left Marina upbeat and happy.  She has been down many times in her life, but thank God she doesn't stay there.  When I called her from the train station, she told me she had had a great day with her friend and shouted out, "I love you Mama".  

I haven't stopped praying for a miracle, I see Him in all this.  I wish I could see the whole picture, but I know that while walking through the darkness of circumstances, I see God's light.
God is glorious and deserves the praises of the universe, even in my dark moments.  God is working in the lives of many Ukrainians too.  They are learning to trust in Him instead of their government.  That is very difficult for them, they were forced to trust the government for years and they were persecuted for trusting God.  God never left Ukraine, He loves His people and is helping them grow out of the darkness.

Ukrainian Darkness

Welcome to Ukrainian darkness, may I help you?
No papers were signed today. The director refuses. Marina was present when the director said Marina may not be the "same" kid when you come back for her in 11 months. All her same age friends were adopted- except for herself. Now the kids left are the "hardened" ones. these are the ones families have abandoned/abused. They're the kids no family relative thought they were worth keeping/helping. Ukraines get first option to select kids for adoption when they become available for a period of 1 year. After the 1 year wait, Ukraine opens they're availability for adoption to international families (us). The hardened ones are kids NOBODY in the world wants. Don't think for a minute that won't twist a kid's value/self esteem 180 degrees.
The 12yr old we got to know during our stay there, that sweet pretty kid smokes. There is no supervision outside the buildings. I can't imagine what the 16 yr olds have seen/done.
These are the very ones Marina will hang with. How long can she last in the mist of their behaviors, attitudes, habits, and lusts?
Fran is purchasing a flight to come home.
Welcome to Ukrainian darkness, may I help you?

Pappa